Mom Brain

It didn’t really hit me until I lost my wedding band.

I was getting ready to take a shower one night and I went to remove my wedding ring. It wasn’t there. I quickly scanned through the events of the day in my mind. I had no memory of taking it off and no moment during the day that I could point to when I would have had cause to remove it. It was just gone.

While the loss of the ring made me sad, it was the loss of the memory that really impacted me. It simply was not like me. I may not be a clean freak, but I am organized. I don’t lose things. Even when my organization consists of piles around the house, I know where things are. Or at least I used to.

The day before I lost the ring I spent my son’s nap time searching my house for some important paperwork. These were things that should have been filed or at least placed in a single location. Instead they were strewn about all over the house. I was, eventually, able to locate them all, but not before having a panic attack.

Someone told me this is why moms have planners. They have to write everything down or they will lose track. Moms forget. Moms have lapses in memory the likes of which I had previously only experienced after consuming too much alcohol. I’m a mom now. I have mom brain.

I can’t reconcile this. I knew I had changed physically and emotionally. I didn’t realize that things that I considered a core part of my personality were also changing. They were changing and they are changed now. There’s no going back. I will never again be the woman I was before my son was born. Someday he will start sleeping through the night (right? right?!) and I will be able to get a real night’s sleep myself. Someday he will be more independent. Someday he will go to daycare or kindergarten and I will have time to do things for myself. But the damage, so to speak, is already done.

I have lost the pre-Goose Karin. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything. I love the post-Goose Karin too. But she is different. I often struggle to reconcile her with my notions of self. Change is inevitable. We change with every breath. I’m not the same person I was before I married my husband or before dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. But this shift from not a mom to Mom has shaken me to my core.

I can only do what I have always done. Keep breathing. And perhaps one day even my wedding band will show up again.

Infertility and Reproductive Choices

A member of our community posed the question, “How does infertility and/or loss affect people’s reproductive choices?”

This initial survey may assist in answering this question. It might also inspire a more in-depth survey based on the results.

Please take just a few minutes to fill out the survey. No names will be attached to the responses and you can stop taking this short survey at any time.

Infertility and Reproductive Choices

 

If you are looking for a closed facebook group that is comprised of parents after infertility and loss, that is science-based and primarily into gentle parenting, please ask to join RainCorns Tribe and look for a message in your “others” folder.