This post comes to us from the author of the blog, My Perfect Breakdown.
In the last year, I’ve moved out of the world of recurrent pregnancy loss.
Evidently 5 losses and learning that the chances of a successful pregnancy are not in our favour was our end point.
My husband and I, we’ve moved on together.
We stopped trying for a biological child.
In fact, we’ve turned to the most effective birth control on the market (the Mirena IUD) in our efforts to not get pregnant. We just cannot go there.
For us, stopping trying for a biological child did not mean we’ve stopped trying for a child to call our own.
We’ve fully invested ourselves and immersed ourselves in the world of open infant adoption with the added twist of doing an international adoption. It’s complex, it’s expensive, and at times it’s disheartening and frustrating. But it’s also exciting to be waiting adoptive parents. After so much loss and heartache, it truly is amazing to be in a place filled with hope
After hiding from all things baby for years, we are now putting together a nursery. We are receiving baby gifts. We are planning our life to include a child(ren).
And yet, I feel as though I’m an impostor. There are days where I think I am not a mom, I do not have any living children. And we don’t even have a real timeline on our adoption, who knows how long it will take before we actually have a child living in our house? So, while we’ve moved out of infertility and baby loss, and are still choosing to have children, we still have empty arms.
I go into baby stores and I still have an unnerving feeling of not belonging. I feel as though I’m being judged by the other shoppers and the sales people for my lack of a cute baby bump and stories of morning sickness. But, the reality is, probably very few people are judging me. They don’t know our story, they don’t know about our losses and/or our adoption. Really, no-one is judging me, except me. In this way, I am my own worst enemy. And I just end up making myself feel inadequate. I realize this, and yet, I just cannot shake the feeling of being an impostor.
I wonder, will it stop when I am a mom to our adopted child? Will I feel legitimate?
I find myself wondering about the day I start attending baby and mommy classes. I worry about all the other mommies talking about their pregnancies, birth experiences and breastfeeding struggles. I worry about all the other mommies being part of a club and me standing on the outside just wanting to be part of it, like that sad little kid on the playground who watches all the other kids playing. And then, I start worrying about the day my child feels judged for being adopted.
And then I realize, I cannot control the future. I can, however, control how I internalize all of this, and I know I am not doing myself or my child any good by living in a place of self-criticism and inadequacy. Instead, I need to focus on doing my very best. I need to focus on embracing and living my reality. I am a waiting parent, and waiting to adopt is no less valid then waiting to give birth. It is different, but that doesn’t make it an inadequate way to grow our family.
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