This is a piece written for us by Someday Mama, a member of the infertility, loss, and adoption community.
Infertility was a dark cloud that touched every corner of my life. It was always with me and affected everything I did and sadly soured many of my relationships. And until that cloud was lifted, I wasn’t able to fully open up my heart to true love and happiness.
And for me, this cloud could only be lifted by one thing. Motherhood. Everything else was a temporary high or desperate distraction from the heartache, but it never truly went away.
Since having my babies, it’s like I’m seeing the world for the first time in many ways. Not only because being a mother allows you to enter a completely new realm of the world, but also because the black hole in my heart has been mended.
This has, in turn, shed light on many people I’ve pushed away and relationships that have suffered because of my pain. So consumed with my own pain, I pushed a lot of friends and family away. Turns out it’s really difficult to have a relationship with someone entirely self-absorbed…not to mention, ready to snap, if anyone said the wrong thing or looked at her sideways for not having kids.
I have already started mending some relationships that I truly have missed.
I am looking forward to rebuilding many more old friendships that have been lost and even forging new ones.
But I would love to apologize and make right by those who were caught in the crossfires of my battle to have a baby. Unfortunately, there are some offenses I may not even know, or remember, that I caused as another joyous effect of the cloud is that you try your best to block out and forget those miserable times.
So I hope you know, if you tried to reach out and offer comfort and you were pushed away for “not understanding” the space I was in, I’m truly sorry.