from the blog.

Soaking In The Moments…Even The Tough Ones

It’s a well-known fact that parenting is hard. The day your baby is born, your life is suddenly run by a tiny dictator (or dictators, if you have multiples), who only knows how to convey their wishes through grunts, groans, and screams.

My son, K, is currently at a tough age to parent. He’s fairly mobile and loves to explore, which means he’s getting into anything and everything he can get his tiny hands on. His reasoning and language skills still need some work, so I’ve been facing meltdowns every time I’ve had to tell him no, or steer him away from something he shouldn’t get into.

I’m going to admit that one week recently, my tiny dictator caused me to question for just a split second why I fought so hard to become a mother. This is probably one of the biggest sins an infertile can commit, but I’m being honest. I know that deep down, I was just overwhelmed. My husband was away for a week on a business trip. Plus, as usual, I took K to work with me three days that week where he tore apart my office and instantly, my time to decompress, to breathe, was severely impacted.

I feel like I need to censor my feelings around my friends in the TTC (trying to conceive) and infertility communities. There are thousands of men and women out there who would do anything to parent a small human who cried for two hours straight for no apparent reason. I know this because just over a year ago, I was one of those women. Not everything is sunshine and roses on the other side. Trying to reason with an angry 11-month-old is like trying to reason with an angry cat, just with fewer claws.

In any one minute, I’m filled with love for my son, happy that he’s developmentally on track, fearing that one day I won’t be fast enough to catch him before he knocks his head on the table, angry that he’s trying to stand up in the bathtub yet again, guilty that I’m angry. Guilty that I’m complaining when so many are struggling. Guilty that I was able to overcome my infertility before those who struggled longer, or harder, or are more deserving. Guilty. There’s a lot of guilt.

I have to remember to be gentle with myself. Parenting is hard, no matter how long you struggled or how hard you wished for a child. I also need to remember that everything is just a phase, and soon K will be a walking, talking little boy who is no longer my baby, so I should try to soak in all of the moments, even the tough ones.

You may also like

My Nursling, Come and Gone.

This is a piece written for us by a member of the infertility, loss, and adoption community on Twitter. Wide, sleepy eyes gazing up at me. Chubby little baby fingers absentmindedly grasping my hand. Her warm body nestling against mine. My heart bursting at the seams with gratitude and affection. Watching her drift soundly off […]

Why Do I Talk About My Infertility?

I probably make a lot of people cringe on Facebook. Judging by how few Likes I get, much less actual comments, on posts I share or write about infertility, particularly egg donation, it seems most people just don’t know what to say. So they do the worst thing possible: they say nothing. It’s not like […]

Making Peace With Pregnancy

“It will be different when it’s your baby,” my therapist said. I had been talking to her about my fear of pregnant bellies and how much grief even the mere the sight of one would trigger in me. Eleven and a half years earlier I sat in front of a cold, blunt doctor who told […]

4 Comments

  1. I remember so many times the first few months when I wondered what I got myself into, that I wasn’t prepared for this, that I was going to be a horrible mother. And I felt so guilty about those feelings too. Thank you for being brave in your post and sharing your feelings.

  2. The guilt is hard isn’t it? We have to let ourselves have bad days though, it’s only normal.

    But I know that’s easier said than done!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: